I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
