I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
