im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
