She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
