p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
