I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
