You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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