yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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