Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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