Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i've created a new STD.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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