Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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