I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
