Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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