take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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