By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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