I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
