the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
