somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
