you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
