I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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