I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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