I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
