I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
