Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
