woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
