I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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