the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
