My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
