Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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