i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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