I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
