I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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