help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
