Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
