he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
