My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
