somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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