I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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