He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
