I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
