I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
