His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
