True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
