you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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