I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
