Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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