so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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