then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
