Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
