quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Too much gin, very little bucket
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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