my sisters under your porch take her home
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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