I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
