Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This is the high leading the old right now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
