So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
