I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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