i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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